number 2

I had the good fortune to be hired on as a personal trainer yesterday. I figure this is the perfect opportunity to hit up that overweight middle-age female demographic that has been so elusive over the years. It got me to thinking though. What are my goals after this? How can I improve upon being a peon in large corporate entity? After experiencing an unlikely combination of events (watching Dodgeball, staying up really late, and talking with a friend who is known only as Ek) I stumbled on the answer. Open my own gym!!

The key of course will be to cater to a demographic that isn't overtly recruited by established gyms but still works out excessively. This rules out families, minorities, skinny people, and women. Notice anything missing in that list? I did. 15-30 year old angry white dudes. My gym will have no weights in the traditional sense; only large heavy objects to lift. There will be a side room with rubber walls and various pieces of furniture called the "hate room." This room will be rife with dummies depicting the visages representing each of the afore mentioned categories with the added category of 'authority figure'. For music, there will be an endless loop of Disturbed, Three Days Grace, and Metallica. Naturally, this gym will need to screen people to make sure the hate doesn't become diluted. To ensure this, each applicant will need to fill out a simple 5 point questionnaire:

1. Does your ideal death involve sand, lions, and thousands of screaming people?
2. Did your breakfast this morning consist of a 2x4 piece of lumbar?
3. Do you often have the urge to blow up the sun so all life is extinguished?
4. Are you the guy that is running in the opposite direction of the crowd at Pampalona?
5. Have you nicknamed your fist “duct tape” because it is the solution to all your problems?

Applicants who finish with all questions answered "Yes" will be allowed to join.




The only thing missing is a good name for the place.